We Can Be (Forever) Alone Together

While my friends are absolutely not surprised by this (which is hurtful by the way) my new friends are always surprised to learn about my complete lack of a romantic past.

I'm basically the ghost of no boyfriends past. Like no one wants to hold my hand, or hover over me grunting. I'm twenty years old already, I should probably have a long list of men that I just check off like some kind of Santa's list. I don't, though. I'm sure that a lot of you feel the way; whether you're heterosexual, homosexual, pansexual, asexual, sometimes it seems that no one wants a piece of your hot body. Even if it's SUPER HOT!

Okay, I'll admit maybe I should lay off a couple fries but I'm generally a good person. I love animals, will help a bug find it's way out of a building and into it's habitat, and am decently intelligent. I've seen girls who people might describe as "absolutely bat-shit crazy and horrible" get guys left and right like it's no problem. It's truly always kind of bothered me that I was never that type of girl, the one that guys seemed to be undeniably drawn to. The girls who had this super power were never even the MOST pretty or the MOST interesting. Somehow everything just clicked.

I've kind of done some reflecting and realized that it isn't because I'm hideous (maybe that's still not false) or disgustingly boring, but that I actually don't create opportunities. Now I'm not talking about being a complete stalker and sneaking into someone's window and making out with their sleeping body, because that would get you arrested, but I'm talking about making time where you are approachable.

You can't always be talking to your friends if you want someone to come up to you. Do you know how scary it is to cut your way into someone's conversation? It's really scary. Now imagine doing it to a girl you think is super adorable that could reject you in front of all her beautiful friends. Horrifying. Most decent guys won't even risk it. Hell, I wouldnt either

DO YOU TALK TO GUYS!!?!?! This is my biggest problem. I'm constantly complaining about how single I am, but I literally talk to no guy. None. Nada. There are barely any guys I'm even friends with, let alone try to talk to on a regular basis. If I'm not giving them the chance to talk to me, what are they supposed to do? Flag me down? Something important to do is talk to guys as you would women, and actually try to open your circle a bit. Even if you don't think the guy is hot, he could be a great friend. Also HE COULD HAVE A HOT friend. Stay open, amiable, and approachable.

EYE CONTACT! MAKE IT! They will LOOK at you if they like you this is the biggest sign, ever. No one looks at things they find disgusting. Who would do that? Unless it's like you're an alien that stumbled onto planet earth, literally no one will stare at you unless they like you.


Lastly DON'T BE AFRAID. Say whatever the FUCK you want. Do what you want. 

I'm so tired of seeing all these rules. That's what got me scared in the first place to ever make a move, thinking about the fact I could break one of the "rules" and someone wouldn't like me.

Guess what, there are no rules!

No one will hate you because you don't text back 3 days later or that you laugh with a snort. It's stupid to act a certain way to get someone to like you. I PROMISE you that someone will like you the way you act. React as you want and someone will reciprocate.
The ones who reject you are going to be sad and lonely (or dating someone who is lame and probably doesn't even have a nice butt like you do). 

So chill out and keep your head up!



<3 Love You ALL!

Looking Put Together When You're Really Trash

When all else fails, add ears.

 
I'm not afraid to say this at all: I'm an absolute mess.


 

I can't find my car keys, my homework, or my phone half the time. The other half of the time I'm stuttering awkward phrases to my crush as he looks like a poor, helpless animal trying to avoid my lame predator-like attempts at flirting. 

But there is one redeemable quality about me: people always say I look put together and dare I say it, kinda good.

I sort of have a secret on how to not look like trash when you're actually very lazy and can't get around to even shaving your legs.


 Okay, I promise it really isn't that hard once you get in the hang of it and the necessary equipment.





Good Dresses & Tights

 


There are cat tights, slutty tights, bright tights, animal print tights. Tights are like leggings, but somehow classier  and even sexier. They're really comfortable if you can at least keep your legs from growing a mane in the winter. The thing about tights is that you automatically go from looking like you could be working out, maybe, or just woke up from a nap, to looking like a business bitch.

With tights you basically seem like you're going to tell off the writer of vogue while drinking a slim martini while making out with a male model.

...Well not quite, but they're still pretty cute and easy to pair with any outfit.  






Dresses are equally as important. Dresses are genius, honestly. YOU DON'T HAVE TO WEAR PANTS! Like, ever. If you get a dress in a comfortable fabric, you're basically just wearing a long shirt and letting the breeze do as it pleases. In the summer, it's even easier, all you have to do is slip something on and you automatically look like you've actually done something with your day.

A-line dresses in cotton are totally recommended. As are sundresses, and basically anything you can dress up or down. 



HATS!!!
 

I cannot stress how imperative it is to understand what a blessing hats are. If you're in high school and can't wear hats, well HAHAHAHA too bad for you :(  -- but the rest of us are living our bad hair days relatively well by wearing beanies or caps.

The thing is a beanie always looks tough and cute, with even the messiest hair sticking out underneath. You automatically look like you didn't try, but somehow are this sloppy angel that is so fucking sexy even an ugly hat can't hide it. 

You can even get ones with ears or rims for a different flair.

They are everything.  

If you can't get a hat and your hair is lifeless and hideous, always opt for the ever popular GIGANTIC bun. It's high fashion.


Eyeliner/Mascara

 

If you cannot even draw a straight line on a piece of paper to save your life, I'd skip this, and go for a coat of mascara but for the rest of you, this can really help. I mean, who doesn't want to look like Cleopatra ruling a fucking empire and being a sexy goddess? Yeah, no one. That's right.

I think, when done right, eyeliner adds a bold look to your outfit. Even if you look like a complete mess in a stained shirt, you still look like "yeah I meant this look, this is my aesthetic" or something along those lines.


White Tees

 

Nuff said. White tees are sexy. They are so casual that they skip looking sloppy and somehow slide right back into the chic category. If you wear it with jeans somehow you look so mundane that it's effortless and sexy. Try it sometime. 

If you learn absolutely nothing from this, here are my BIGGEST tips.

1.  You have to wear something you're comfortable in.



2. You can wear anything hideous under a cute enough cardigan




3. You're probably cute enough to pull last week's outfit off every other week



Love, 
 

Why Minimum Wage Is Kinda Cute

You just gotta work your work uniform.

So I honestly should have called in sick to work today. Y' know, because bae never texted me back and I probably gained four pounds in the last two days. Like the amazing hero that I am, however, I decided to go in anyway and pay it forward by taking orders and acting like I really care how much these old people like the frozen food at the chain restaurant I work at. I was a bit late, though, because of course I had to take a couple selfies in the parking lot (the lighting was too good to ignore). As usual, it was a boring shift and I did a lot of stupid things like smiling and answering phones with an overly peppy voice. Then someone brought up the time that I cried at work, and how I'm always somehow dropping things. That made me sad for like a minute and then I realized that us minimum wage workers are kinda cute, and here's why.



1) We Always Apologize.




Well, I mean, most of us do. Some of us are sociopaths that don't mind getting fired, and some of us make no mistakes, but for the rest of us mere mortals -- we apologize incessantly. I think this makes us pretty darn adorable. We are always so accountable and loving. Oh, you didn't like that steak? I'm soooooo sorry. Oh, I forgot your ketchup, I'm sooooo sorry.

The rest of the world is cruel, cold and sullen. There are countless of people shoving their way onto subways and pushing grandmas over when there's a sale during Christmas that don't even bother to utter a word of regret.

We're basically cherubs at this point.

2) We are really good at smiling.

 

I mean really good. These pearly whites are always flashing to the extent of needing Novocain after working an excessively long shift. I've smiled all the way through a smelly old man leaning into my personal space bubble and asking me about my heritage. I've smiled while tears welled in my eyes as a customer berated me in front of my boss. I've smiled when someone spilled something on me.

We're just all too friendly. I don't know how we don't all get Mr. and Ms. America awards just for looking so likable and happy all the time. If that doesn't spell cute, I don't know what does. 

3) We make the impossible, possible. 

 

Oh, you want no lobster in your lobster roll? Sure, I'll be happy to give you a hot dog bun full of mayo! We basically do anything to please even the dumbest requests. You retail workers out there should slide in my DM's and tell me the dumbest things people have asked you. Even when requests make no actual sense, sometimes we minimum wage workers will attempt to rearrange the laws of physics that govern the universe to make our customers happy. Even when they leave us basically nothing as a tip. 


We're so solicitous. Seriously guys, how else can you get your uncooked steak from raw to well-done in a matter of four minutes? Sometimes, we just defy the laws of nature. We're that freaking adorable.








So, at the end of your shift today as you go home and look into the mirror and imagine quitting and joining some kind of brothel, always remember: you're probably still broke, but you're pretty darn cute!